It's so hard to say goodbye when you haven't had a chance to say hello...

For those who do not know, although I think everyone pretty much does... My sister, Lelia's, sweet baby Makaio was born and went to be with Jesus on March 3rd... It was very unexpected and was a major shock to us all. It's so weird because I think I always told myself that these types of things always happen to "other" people, not to our family... Not anymore. We have felt this pain and I know that even if it gets easier over the years ahead, the years won't ever fully erase this feeling. But, our God is great and our God is good and I am SO thankful for our God! I've been writing the following for hours... Sorry if it doesn't make any sense... just trying to share some of my thoughts and jumbled feelings!

So the other day I sat down and journaled which is something I haven't done in probably a year or longer! I felt like I needed to write all my thoughts and feelings down from the past week and I didn't want to just come on here and spill things out in a way that came across wrong. I don't know what could come across wrong, but I guess in some ways I didn't want my family to read this and be reminded of all the sadness from the past week and bring them more hurt by remembering all over again. But, then I thought it through and I know that that wouldn't be the case... I know that each of my family members will never forget what happened on March 3rd, 2012, and although it was the saddest time of probably all of our lives, I also know that through remembering we are even more thankful for our amazing God and how awesome he continues to be! I am also reminded of the fact that although I have always known my family is pretty much the greatest, this past week has shown me that truth in stronger ways than ever before! I have been going through each day this week trying to really notice the things that God has blessed us with... a wonderful little boy who is almost 2 and showers us with his love and laughter each day, a growing little girl who gives the sweetest smiles and brings so much joy into our lives, an amazing husband who loves me so much and unselfishly lives his life every day for his God and his family, parents who are the most amazing and loving people and who also are amazing grandparents to all of their grandkids both living and who are with Jesus today, an older sister who gives so much of her time and energy and who is always there with a shoulder to cry on or a hug to give, a younger sister who even during the lowest days of her life gives out smiles and wants to know how we are doing because she always puts others over herself, a niece who loves with open arms and does whatever she can for all of us, and a brother-in-law who is such an amazing man who even through the hard times has loved us and has shown my sister how much she can still count on him each day... (I could go on and on...) Trying to focus on God's blessings each day has helped me get through this time much better than it would have been, but sometimes I still sit down and think back on that day and I'm faced with a million questions! I don't understand why God allows some couples to easily have child after child even when they don't want children, but then my own sister and so many others I know are not able to have the healthy baby they wanted so badly! But, I also know that we live in a sinful world and this was not God's original plan for our world! It's so sad to know that sin brought all this into our world!

I think what was the hardest with all of this was that one minute we were all so excited to meet little Makaio Boyd and then the next minute we knew something was wrong... I remember praying and praying as I heard them call for back-up nurses and I remember thinking about my sister and wondering how in the world she was getting through this! I seriously don't know what I would have done! How can you go through 41 weeks carrying a little baby inside of you who you think is perfectly healthy and then as soon as he comes out of you you realize something is very wrong?! I know there are so many questions, but that is why instead of dwelling on all of those questions, I have chosen to focus on the things we have to be thankful for! Lelia and Wayne, especially, but all the rest of us who know them were able to know about, love, and enjoy baby Makaio for 41 weeks even though he wasn't out in this world yet! We were able to talk to him, tell him how much we loved him, dream about him, see his nursery become the amazing, cute room that it still is, and see how much he brought love and life into everywhere Lelia (and therefore, Makaio) went... We thought Lelia would have him earlier after weeks and weeks of Braxton Hick contractions, but I feel like he must have known what God had planned because he knew that it wasn't yet time... He knew that his mommy needed all of those kicks and movements that he made inside her, he knew that although a 29 hour labor would be a LONG labor that she needed those hours and minutes with him, and he knew that coming at a time when his daddy, Pappy, Maw-Maw, and aunts could be there would mean the world to all of us! I'm so thankful for every moment we had with him before he came into this world and I'm so thankful for every moment we had with him afterwards! I know that he knew how much we all loved and still love him and I also know that he will never be forgotten by any of us... I just wish he could be here and still know that. I wish that he could have seen his mommy and daddy... seen his aunties... seen his Pappy and Maw-Maw... met all of his other family... But I'm so thankful that we were able to be there all day, holding him... I'm so glad that we were able to be there to see who he looked like and to see the love on my sister and brother-in-law's faces for their son! He was such a cute little boy and such an amazing blessing in all of our lives! I love him so much and am so excited to one day be able to hold him up in heaven and tell him over and over how much his Auntie Natalie loves him! :o) Thank you, God, for blessing us with little Makai! Thank you for giving us the memories we've had of him, and even though those memories are few, thank you that we will have SO many more chances to make memories one day in heaven!

I just wanted to leave with the lyrics from a song that my sister, Amanda, put on a cd that she made all of us in memory of Makaio... Listening to the cd in the car has been so great and has helped a lot with the healing this week... It's full of good words to remember!

You Wouldn't Cry - Mandisa

All you saw was pain, all you saw was rain
But you should see me now.
Moments filled with tears, lasted all those years
Disappeared somehow.

You never said goodbye
On your knees you cry
You're still asking why.

But blue has never been bluer, true has never been truer
Honey never tasted so sweet there's a song in the breeze
A million voices in praise.

A rose has never smelled redder, the sun has never been brighter
If I could find the right words to say, if you could look at my face
If you could just see this place you wouldn't cry for me today.

What you think you see, isn't really me
I'm already home.
You've got to lay it down 'cause Jesus holds me now
And I am not alone.

Your faith is wearing thin
But I am watching Him
And He is holding you too.

And blue has never been bluer, true has never been truer
Honey never tasted so sweet there's a song in the breeze
A million voices in praise.

A rose has never smelled redder, the sun has never been brighter
If I could find the right words to say, if you could look at my face
If you could just see this place you wouldn't cry for me today
You wouldn't cry for me today.

What may seem like years will just be a moment
Oh, the day will come when I'll show you where you're going
I can't wait to show you.

And blue has never been bluer, true has never been truer
Honey never tasted so sweet there's a song in the breeze
A million voices in praise.

A rose has never smelled redder, the sun has never been brighter
If I could find the right words to say, if you could look at my face
If you could just see this place you wouldn't cry for me today
You wouldn't cry for me today.

You wouldn't cry for me today
You wouldn't cry for me today
You wouldn't cry for me today.